Denzel Washington IS Tobin Frost, a man who’s never going to have his name forgotten. Ryan Reynolds IS, er, Matt Weston. It’s quite clear who’s the star of this movie. Frost has intel on corrupt agents in the CIA and the MI6, and he’s been missing from the CIA for the last nine years. He’s the best. He re-wrote the rule book on something or other. The CIA are frightened of him, frightened of him in a Hannibal Lecter way. His name is up there with Voldemort. They want to lock him up and retreive the data. So they put him in a ‘Safe House’… with Ryan Reynolds. Yes, ‘himbo’ Ryan Reynolds. In a shock plot twist, Frost escapes from the ‘safe house’ (surprisingly quickly) and Weston chases him, determined to bring him in. Cue two men spending two hours rolling around on the floor getting bloody and firing very loud guns.

‘Safe House’ felt like a high-contrast retread of the ‘Bourne’ films, stealing action sequences (brutal car chase, rooftop jumping, filming in a public place, spy-on-spy hand-to-hand combat to the death) as well as the CIA following events in South Africa through hundreds of flatscreen monitors in their sexy Langley command centre, with Vera Faminga stepping in for Joan Allen and Brendan Gleeson replacing David Strathairn. Universal released the ‘Bourne’ movies, so I guess, business-speaking, they’re within their rights to knock out a ‘Bourne’ rip-off movie in the years between (although the Matt Damon-free ‘The Bourne Legacy’ plays this summer). All the writer (David Guggenheim) has added is two main characters on the run as opposed to one. Genius. The guy’s script, which he wrote in three months, sparked a Hollywood bidding war, apparently. Go figure.

Unlike the ‘Bourne’ movies, the characters are paper-thin and charmless, with Guggenheim seeming to think investing Denzel Washington’s character with a love of red wine somehow makes him poetic (when he isn’t snapping people’s necks). ‘Pinotage is a good grape’. Come on Denzel, ‘Safe House’ is seriously beneath your awesome talents. On the other hand, it’s probably the best thing Ryan Reynolds has done for a few years! Maybe Big D was helping out the good-looking Canuck. Beats getting laughed at wearing green lycra.

TWO OUT OF FIVE

I just can’t quite put my finger on it…

Meet the sexy new neighbour, Jerry Dandrige (Colin Farrell). He’s dangerously charming – and utterly lethal. That’s because he just happens to be a vampire, and out for blood…buckets of it. After high school senior Charley Brewster (Anton Yelchin) makes the connection between Jerry’s suspicious activity and a steadily rising body count, he vows to end the reign of terror next door. But he can’t do it alone. His only hope is Las Vegas magician/ vampire-slayer Peter Vincent (David Tennant). Together, this unlikely duo set out to end Jerry’s evil rampage. But Jerry is a ruthless, relentless killer, and he’s not going down without a fight. Get set to sink your teeth into this thrilling re-vamp of the terrifying horror classic. Featuring a star-studded cast and crawling with bonus, Fright Night will captivate you from the very first bite!

Fright Night is out on DVD and Blu-ray from 20 February, courtesy of Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment

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It seems like the only person in the world who wanted a sequel to the Nic Cage movie ‘Ghost Rider’ was.. Nic Cage. The 2007 Marvel anti-hero movie committed the ultimate sin of being neither great nor terrible – it was just bland. Sony threw $100million of flaming skull effects at the screen, and in the end, the only entertaining parts of the movie were Cage being Johnny Blaze. Or rather, Nicolas Cage being Nicolas Cage in a leather jacket.

So it’s something of a surprise to see the sequel, ‘Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance’ pop up five years later. Cage feels the ‘07 model didn’t fully explore the character, so directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor (‘Crank’) and writer David Goyer have changed the ‘Ghost Rider’ character. The metal spikes are gone from the leather jacket, and the skull is charred as opposed to bone-white. Controversial stuff, ahem…

Struggling to contain ‘the Rider’, Johnny Blaze (Cage) is keeping himself hidden away in Eastern Europe. When Moreau (Idris Elba), a kick-ass monk (yes, a kick-ass monk) tracks him down and implores him to save the life of a young boy the devil (Ciarán Hinds) is attempting to sacrifice in order to rejuvenate himself, Moreau adds a sweetener – the promise of returning Blaze’s soul and banishing ‘the Rider’ forever.

Thank God for Nicolas Cage. Because without his ‘lunatic’ persona, ‘Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance’ would be an early contender for worst film of 2012. Other factors play a bigger part in it’s failure (script, plot, reason for existing), but directors Neveldine and Taylor need to sack their lighting guys, because this film looks like shit. To say it looks like a fan film would be insulting to fan films. The only scenes that look like movie scenes are the ones on the road, in natural daylight.

Storywise, it’s a mess. The devil needs a new body. So why doesn’t he just take one? Oh, because it needs to be ‘prophecised’, an unborn child inside the womb of a woman the devil saved years ago. Shut up! He’s the devil!! Don’t give me this nonsense, he can do whatever he likes. That’s his job. He used to be mates with God, FFS.

Seven other things (worth mentioning) that annoyed me.

1. While in a hospital bed, Blaze helps himself to painkillers that are kept in an unlocked cabinet, IN THE ROOM! What?

2. 80’s music plays everywhere in Eastern Europe. ‘Too Shy Shy’? Come on, I never wanted to hear that garbage again.

3. The human baddie, Ray Carrigan (Johnny Whitworth), was dressed like Nathan Drake, from the ‘Uncharted’ Playstation games. Get your own movie movie, you rip-off!

4. Fan-favourite Anthony Head (‘Buffy’) gets killed off after less than two minutes of screen-time. Who’s dumb-ass idea was that?

5. Christopher Lambert

6. Christopher Lambert

7. Christopher Lambert

The only good stuff in ‘Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance’ is Cage, at his usual comical best (‘hell yeah’) and the Ghost Rider effects work. Ghost Rider takes control of a few other vehicles other than his bike this time out, one of which is a Bagger 288, a gigantic bucket-wheel excavator (a bloody huge JCB thing), and they’re entertaining scenes of fiery destruction. And every time Ghost Rider is hurtling around on his smoking bike, Neveldine and Taylor really capture the sense of speed (having a liking for shooting handheld-digital while on rollerblades).

One last positive thing. There’s a new ‘Cagism’ to add to his repertoire, up there with ‘not the bees’ and any line from ‘Bad Lieutenant’. Ready? Adopted the ‘Cage drawl’? ‘Scraping at the door. SCRAPING AT THE DOOR!’

I didn’t like ‘Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance’, but I bloody love Nicolas Cage.

TWO OUT OF FIVE

‘Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance’ sees Nicolas Cage reprises his role as Johnny Blaze. In this gritty new vision for the character, directed by Neveldine/Taylor (Crank), Johnny is still struggling with his curse as the devil’s bounty hunter – but he may risk everything as he teams up with the leader of a group of rebel monks (Idris Elba) to save a young boy from the devil… and possibly rid himself of his curse forever. — (C) Sony
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Which comicbook characters did you read as a kid?

Have you ever suffered any bad injuries while filming?

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The full Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance press conference
PART ONE

The full Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance press conference
PART TWO

The full Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance press conference
PART THREE

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance is released in the UK on the 17th February 2012.

STAY IN THE LIGHT

RELEASED ON DVD 20 FEBRUARY 2012

‘You’ll never look at a shadow quite the same again’ – Dread Central
‘Closest thing I have seen to the original Night of the Living Dead’ – Twitchfilm.com

Momentum Pictures taps into one of our most primal anxieties – a fear of the dark, with the 20 February 2012 DVD release of the intense and nail-biting thriller VANISHING ON 7TH STREET.

When Detroit is suddenly plunged into darkness, airplanes crash to earth, vehicles and anything electrical ceases to work and the sun rises to reveal only a handful of survivors battling to stay in the light.

From the producers of Casino Royale and director Brad Anderson (The Machinist, Transsiberian), VANISHING ON 7TH STREET fuses apocalyptic thriller and horror together to bring us one of winter’s most haunting and genuinely scary films. This race to stay in the light stars an award-winning cast in Golden Globe® nominee Hayden Christensen (Star Wars: Episodes I-III, Jumper), Emmy® Award winner John Leguizamo (Moulin Rouge!, Carlito’s Way, Romeo + Juliet, Ice Age), BAFTA® Award winner Thandie Newton (Mission Impossible II, 2012, Crash) and up-and-coming teenage R&B sensation Jacob Latimore (One Tree Hill), as the handful of survivors.

A disparate group of individuals find themselves alone; the entire city’s population has vanished into thin air, leaving behind heaps of empty clothes, abandoned cars and lengthening shadows. Soon the daylight begins to disappear completely. As the survivors gather in an abandoned tavern they realise darkness is out to descend. But as their light fades, how long can they survive before the shadows devour them?

VANISHING ON 7TH STREET combines the old-age phobia of the dark with a striking cinematic experience. Director Anderson skillfully executes this subtly disturbing film to target our dread of what happens when the light goes out…

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Here a few choice picks:
The good news is that Sandler is marginally better in drag than he is playing himself.
Graham Young (Birmingham Mail)

HEY LOOK, IT’S A CELEBRITY CAMEO! HEY LOOK, IT’S A CELEBRITY CAMEO! – See how annoying that is? Adam Sandler doesn’t.
Tim Martain (The Mercury)

Adam Sandler give a one-note performance despite tackling two roles.
(FILMINK)

So who in the hell gave it a positive review? According to Rotten Tomatoes, three sick indivduals did.

NAMED AND SHAMED!

Jackie K. Cooper appears to have been reviewing movies for at least a decade.

Michael A. Smith appears to have been reviewing movies for at least a decade.

John Hazelton appears to have been reviewing movies for at least a decade.

Guys, what the hell were you thinking? You’ve marked yourselves out as twisted, sick people who probably like to kick cats and park in disabled spaces. You all need to seriously re-evaluate your lives.

A gritty, white-knuckle, action ride set in the near-future where the sport of boxing has gone hi-tech, Real Steel, stars Hugh Jackman as Charlie Kenton, a washed-up fighter who lost his chance at a title when 2000-pound, 8-foot-tall steel robots took over the ring. Now nothing but a small-time promoter, Charlie earns just enough money piecing together low-end bots from scrap metal to get from one underground boxing venue to the next. When Charlie hits rock bottom, he reluctantly teams up with his estranged son Max (Dakota Goya) to build and train a championship contender. As the stakes in the brutal, no-holds-barred arena are raised, Charlie and Max, against all odds, get one last shot at a comeback.

Special Features:
• Making of Metal Valley
• Building the Bots
• Audio Commentary with Director Shawn Levy
• Bloopers

Real Steel is out on DVD and Blu-ray from 20 February, courtesy of Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment

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Is it over yet?

Thirteen years on, and the introduction of 3D hasn’t improved ‘Star Wars: Episode One – The Phantom Menace’ one bit. It’s still a film that only features one worthwhile scene, the climactic three-way lightsabre duel. And that bloody podracing scene now lasts even longer, dear God!

All those dollars, and George Lucas couldn’t even hire a decent continuity editor. Judging by Ewan McGregor’s hairstyles, you’d think his barnet was a CG creation. Perhaps it was, Lucas does like to mess around with his movies for no good reason whatsoever.

Lucas is obviously so obsessed with shitty dialogue and ‘taxing’ plot mechanics that he even missed the fact you can see the mesh bits attaching Liam Neeson’s wig onto his head. Quick, somebody fix those haircut issues and release the new version on DVD. ‘Star Wars: Episode One – The Coiffure Menace.’

‘Star Wars: Episode One – The Phantom Menace 3D’ is a total waste of money. The 3D, promoted by George Lucas as ‘artistic’, is barely there! You can take the 3D glasses off and the screen looks hardly any different. Compare this film to what I’ve seen of ‘Titanic 3D’ so far, and it’s an embarassing comparison. ‘Titanic 3D’ leaps off the screen in rich, gleaming detail. Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet positively glow. Even the podracing, which you would think would be the biggest 3D effect sequence, doesn’t look any different. Arrghhhh!

Otherwise, it was nice to see digital Yoda on the big screen, as opposed to the freakshow puppet that scared kids the first time round. Jar Jar Binks still makes the ‘younglings’ laugh (seriously – adults may hate him, but he works that target audience) and Jake Lloyd is still no-one’s idea of a cute kid. It’s quite obvious in this film that he’s going to grow up to be an intergalatic Hitler. Whiny and souless, I’m not even sure his mother really likes him. As for the whole plot concerning trade routes (a devious plan by Senator Palpatine to wrest control of the council for himself), it’s still fucking awful.

One last thing. Did you know Keira Knightley’s in it? Quite a bit actually.

ONE OUT OF FIVE

That’s a funny video right there, and hey, did you spot Elijah Wood, Simon Pegg, and director Ron Howard? This video is recounted by Max Landis (‘Chronicle), yes, son of John Landis (‘An American Werewolf in London’). ‘Chronicle’ is out now, and it’s just as good as everyone says it is.

DC Comics royally f**ked with the character back in 1992, and since then, he’s never been the same (although he thankfully had a haircut). Other publishers (ie Marvel) have also killed many of their major characters since (‘Captain America’, ‘Human Torch’, Daredevil’) as well as DC running the guillotine over their roster, and each time, fans have known the hero will come back, usually about a year after dying. It’s ‘major media event news story’ first, then ‘minor comic news story’ twelve months later. ‘Spider-Man’ actually managed his own ‘major media event news story’ (let’s call that MMENS, even though I’m not going to use it again) without dying, but simply by being unmasked to the world (only to have the devil ‘re-mask’ him a few years later). Many would say ‘Spider-Man’ has never been the same since either, seeing as this retcon removed his marriage to Mary-Jane which had been going strong for many years. Fans liked MJ, and they liked that Peter Parker was married, and that is wasn’t a perfect marriage (‘honey, I’m just popping out to get my ass whupped. Do we need any bread on my crawl home?).

The big problem with comics is that they don’t move forwards. Or when they do (death, marriage, babies), the comic publishers think that things were better when NOTHING REAL WAS HAPPENING, so they come up with a ‘plot device’ that takes everything back to, essentially, how things were when the character was first created. Which is pretty boring, and is why most people stop reading comics, preferring to read stories that have an ending. Like real life.