THE LONGEST YARD (2005)

SONY

RELEASED 9 September 2005

Once upon a time, Burt Reynolds was the biggest movie star in the world, with his own hair to boot. Those days are long gone, as is the hair, but movies last forever, and 1974 was the year of ‘The Longest Yard’, a well-liked comedy-drama that saw Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe (Reynolds) play a washed-up US football star who is imprisoned in a cruel Texas state penitentiary. The prison warden orders Crewe to gather a team of fellow convicts together to play the ‘screws’, so the guards can have some easy practice. Of course it doesn’t turn out as easy as they think. Think 1981’s footie flick ‘Escape to Victory’ (which in fact recently underwent another Brit remake as ‘Mean Machine’, starring Vinnie Jones).

The basic story remains unchanged but Adam Sandler takes on Reynolds’ role (Sandler is unquestionably miscast - you can believe the muscular Reynolds as a pro-footballer, but not the slight Sandler), and comic support comes from Chris Rock who plays the ‘finch’ of the prison, Caretaker. Burt Reynolds has a major role as a new character Nate Scarborough, with his own tale to tell, and various ex-football stars, pro wrestlers, and a rapper called Nelly turn up too.

This is uninspired stuff, with Sandler lacking any kind of enthusiasm and Rock delivering jokes that wouldn’t get near his stand-up routine. Only Reynolds seems happy to be involved, though his face lift makes him look happy most of the time anyway. Product placement abounds, prison life looks like a sunnier version of ‘Porridge’, and homosexuality is only practised by the ‘queens’ and the ‘cheerleaders’. The plot’s only surprise, the death of a major character, doesn’t even register emotionally. One scene later, and it’s like he never even existed.

‘The Longest Yard’ is crude, heavily padded, and after two hours of insipid humour I felt punch-drunk myself. Time out please.

TWO OUT OF FIVE