The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 2
RELEASED 16 November 2012
Where am I coming from? I’ve seen all the ‘Twilight’ movies, reviewed the first one (thought it was okay), couldn’t be fussed about reviewing the increasingly boring and non-eventful sequels. So how is the final movie?
Vamp-Camp. Every. Single. Line. And. Moment.
‘Breaking Dawn – Part 2’ is THE campest movie I’ve ever seen. It’s jaw-droppingly camp. It’s so close to parody that there is no point in going there. You just need to wallow and embrace the camp. The following quote is the high watermark of the Vamp-Camp-meter. Jacob calls Renesmee ‘Nessie’, to which Bella cries, ‘Nessie? You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?’
Bella Cullen (Kristen Stewart) has been ‘vampirised’ by hubby Edward (Robert Pattinson) to impressively strong heights (think ‘Superman’ with fangs) and their rapidly-aging daughter Renesmee (played as a baby by a seriously-freaky CG creation, played even more bizarrely by NINE actresses for the rest of the film – Abigail Rose Cornell (4 Years), Isabella Iannuzzi (4 Years), Milli Wilkinson (4 Years), Eliza Faria (4 Years), Tate Clemons (5 Years), Taylor Dianne Robinson (5 Years), Kailyn Stratton (5 Years), Rachel St. Gelais (5 Years), Blythe Barrington-Hughes (7 Years) is a target for the ages-old vampire aristocracy known as the ‘Volturi’, led by Michael Sheen and given added glower-power by Dakota Fanning. The Cullen clan decide that only leading vamps from all over the world will dissuade Aro and his cloaked nasties from killing the young lady. Cue hilariously-clothed and accented vampires from Brazil, Russia, the Amazon, and yes, Ireland, to be sure, to be sure.
The cast list of ‘Breaking Dawn – Part 2’ is bloody massive. There’s about thirty ‘good’ vampires. Strangely enough, although no-one really has a personality, it’s easy to tell everyone apart because of their silly attire or bonkers haircut (do Russians REALLY have white hair like that?). Even Maggie Grace is in this movie. Shame Liam Neeson wasn’t. Neeson. (Were)wolves. Bad dialogue. He’d have fitted right in.
Now the ‘love triangle’ is over, Taylor Lautner’s Jacob seems like a spare wheel, even though he’s in the whole movie, grinning his muscled chops off. Still fixing that goddamn motorbike too.
Bed-wetting songs from the likes of Ellie Goulding and St Vincent keep the tension low, and as the suspense crawls to the big showdown, we are rewarded with a huge head-ripping, earth-splitting battle scene that wouldn’t look out of place in a ‘Star Wars’ or ‘Lord of the Rings’ movie.
THEN there’s the biggest cop-out I can ever remember seeing in a movie. But it doesn’t really matter! In fact it’s just another huge spurt of Vamp-Camp gushing forth from a franchise in it’s glorious death throes.
The ‘Twilight’ saga, spread over five movies, is so tacky and low-rent that there’s no doubt we won’t see it rise from the ashes again in either film or a TV format within ten years. It was JUST good enough to please the female readers of the books, but not so good that there isn’t scope for improvement in years to come. God help us…
TWO OUT OF FIVE